I have seen eighty-year-old men watching a sexy woman walk down the street, with a smile on their face, and a glint in their eye. It’s in our hormones, and those hormones never die, whatever our age. But today, men are not allowed to look. We have to turn our eyes away and think of the last pothole that nearly broke our back on a Sunday morning motorbike ride. The guilty women should be wearing sackcloth, never wear make-up, and let their hair go lank and greasy. It would be OK if they were trying to attract other women, but I don’t think that they’re all lesbians. Most men don’t wear mini-skirts, spend an hour a week shopping for cosmetics and then parade themselves.
Fortunately, and for the moment, automobiles have not caught onto the ‘Me Too’ movement. We can look at them, admire them, caress them, sleep in them, and they just come back for more. So here is my selection of sex on wheels. Cars that give me a woody. You can get excited, and never get rejected.
Grand Prix cars are made for one reason; to go as fast as possible. Sometimes, almost by accident, they are pretty. But I somehow think that Maserati also wanted this car to be sexy. These cars raced from 1954 through 1957. They became uncompetitive with the era of the rear engine cars which started in 1958 but continued to be a favourite with privateers for a couple of years. They are considered by many to the best looking GP car of all time. If I saw one in my mirror, I’d slow down and let it take me.
Alfa Romeo 33 Stradale
In many people’s mind, this is simply the sexiest car ever made. The 2-litre V8 engine and chassis came straight from Alfa’s Tipo 33 race car, which although very different in looks, is also gorgeous. But despite the car’s modest engine size (made to run in the under 2-litre class), it was very fast. Sports cars with similar performance at the time needed engines twice the size. As with most cover-girls, it’s hugely impractical. It requires a race mechanic to look after it, and who needs air con when the windows don’t open? But you’re feeling so fucking cool behind the wheel that you don’t notice the sweat pouring from your crotch.
It also happened to be about the most expensive sex toy you could buy at the time, which may be why only eighteen examples were built between 1967 and 1969. Today, money can’t buy one. There’s someone currently out there offering over twenty million dollars to get their sweaty hands on one of these beauties. But none of the owners wants to leave their lover.
You would sell your soul for her. But it would probably end in tears. She is an elite Parisian courtesan that will beguile you, then suck you dry.
In the late thirties, with America still struggling with the Great Depression and a shaky economy in Europe, Talbot Lago in Paris was producing some of the fastest and most accomplished road cars available. And their race cars were also very successful. But the company was struggling in these hard times, so Antony Lago came up with an idea to give the make more sex appeal. Figoni & Falaschi were at the forefront of the fashion for aerodynamic road car design, and they were also based in Paris. So Lago took one of his racing chassis and asked Figoni to make the sexiest automobile ever seen. The result was a stunning success, resulting in what is considered to be still one of the most beautiful cars ever made. Less than twenty were built, so you’ll need to be on the Forbes list to persuade one out of the clutches of its current master.
Perhaps she’ll give you a one night stand, but when you wake up in the morning, she’ll be long gone, leaving only a hint of exotic oil on the pillow.
Lamborghini made tractors. And until recently, still did, albeit with V12 engines. But in 1963, Ferruccio Lamborghini decided he wanted to build a sports car that could compete with Ferrari and Maserati. The first models, the 350 and 400GT were good looking and competent grand tourers, sporting the now legendary twelve-cylinder. Then, in 1966, Lamborghini introduced the Muira, which set any normal man’s pants on fire. It was sensational and is considered to be the world’s first modern supercar. Not very practical, but for a body like that, I don’t mind washing the dishes.